The Great Twinkie War
by aixla
Summary: Xander and Beast find they have a common love ...


TITLE: The Great Twinkie War  
AUTHOR: Ailie McFarland  
RATING: PG  
GENRE: Crossover humor - Buffy/X-Men  
DISCLAIMER: I am not the owner/creator of the Xand man or the *other* Dr. McCoy.  
DISTRIBUTION: If it helps at all, I'm gonna say yes.  
ARCHIVE: http://www.geocities.com/aixla  
DEDICATION: To the wonderful people in the Dean's office, who had the wisdom and  
foresight to cancel all afternoon and evening classes due to snow, thus allowing me the time to  
write!  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is absolute insanity. I apologize up front. *L*  
  
**********  
  
The growling of Xander Harris' stomach was so loud even the guy behind the counter of the  
Sunnydale Quick-Mart heard it and looked up. It was almost two in the morning, not exactly the  
best time for residents of the small town to be up and about if they wanted to have a beating  
heart the next day. Most people, such as the store clerk who had gone back to his issue of  
"Maxim," had no idea. Xander however, knew full well what lurked in the shadows of this  
seemingly quaint little town. But there were some things that were worth risking life and limb  
for.  
  
Like Twinkies. Soft and spongy on the outside, cream filled goodness on the inside, and a shelf-  
life of indeterminate proportions. What else could one ask for in a snack food? It was Xander's  
craving for these artery-clogging pieces of heaven that brought him to the convenience store clad  
in mismatched flannel pajamas at such an ungodly hour.  
  
Unfortunately, the shelf usually occupied by his favorite treat was empty! "Hey!"" he called to  
the pimply faced teen behind the counter. "Got any Twinkies hiding around here?" The clerk  
responded with an uninterested shrug. Frantic now, Xander began to dig through stacks of  
pastries. Moon pies, Krimpets, Cupcakes ... no Twinkies. He was just about to give up and go  
home when he spotted a familiar looking package behind a box of Little Debbie Snack Packs.  
  
"You thought you had escaped me, didn't you my pretties?" Xander reached for the last package  
of Twinkies, but pulled his arm back with a surprised yelp when he felt something furry instead.   
Cautiously, the young man bent down and looked through the opening he had made, and was just  
in time to see a blue gloved hand wrap around his prize. Someone must have dug through from  
the other side! Furious, Xander scrambled to his feet. "Hey! Those are mine!"   
  
"I beg to differ," a low voice spoke from the next isle. "I believe the expression is, 'finders  
keepers.'"   
  
Xander stormed around the divider, intending to give whomever stole his midnight snack a little  
piece of his mind. All thoughts of confrontation faded once he saw exactly what he was up  
against. The hand that was holding *his* twinkies wasn't wearing a glove. In fact, it was more of  
a paw than a hand, really. The body that it belonged to was easily over six feet tall, clad in a  
trenchcoat and hat in an attempt to disguise the shaggy blue fur that covered it. "Just great. I just  
happen to run into a Cookie-Monster demon," he muttered under his breath.  
  
The large blue man looked puzzled. "I am not a demon. I'm a mutant. And although I may  
resemble this Cookie-Monster, my name is Dr. Henry McCoy. But you may call me Beast if you  
prefer."  
  
"Yeah, right. Like I'm gonna believe some big twinkie-stealing demon." Xander backed away a  
step. "You'd better watch who you're messing with. I'm friends with the Slayer."  
  
"The what?"  
  
"The Slayer!" Xander sighed in exasperation. "You know, she who slays demons?"  
  
Beast stood to his full height. "Damn it, man! I'm a Doctor not a Demon!"  
  
"Even better. A Trekie demon is stealing my snacks. Maybe this is just some sort of weird  
dream." Xander pinched his arm, hard. "Ow! Nope. Not a dream."  
  
"Well whatever you may believe," Beast said as he headed toward the check-out. "These  
twinkies are now mine, by might or right. James Russell Lowell once said 'In vain we call old  
notions fudge, and bend our conscience to our dealing; The Ten Commandments will not budge,  
and stealing will continue stealing.'"  
  
"Oh yeah?" Xander struggled for a zippy comeback. "Well ... so's your face!"  
  
Realizing that he had made no sense whatsoever, Xander chased Beast through the store and up  
to the counter, where they were both surprised to see the young clerk holding a shot gun. The  
people of Sunnydale tended to be on the naive side, but even they realized that there was  
something strange about this town. After all, this guy was the third graveyard shift clerk the store  
had hired in the past year. They seemed to have a strange habit of disappearing ... "Get out!" the  
boy shouted.  
  
Neither Beast nor Xander were about to argue with that. They bolted for the door and the  
Twinkies lay on the ground, forgotten.  
  
**********  
  
A few minutes later, Xander found the large blue man sitting by the side of the road. He tapped  
Beast on the shoulder. "Dunkin' Doughnuts?"  
  
Beast heaved a large sigh that sounded much more like a growl. "A pale substitute, but I suppose  
it will do."  
  
As the walked down the street together, Xander piped up, "Dibs on the Jelly."  
  
"Oh no my friend," Beast shook his head. "The Jelly are all mine."  
  
END 


End file.
